I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
