can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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