Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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