I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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