Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
