I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You are the jesus of drinking
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
