The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
