Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
