how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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