I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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