My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
