I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize
