the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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