I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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