Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
