you have to choose: penises or morals?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
