I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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