I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
