Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
