At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
