okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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