so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
