She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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