I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
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