You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
