I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
