So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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