I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
