She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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