i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
