1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
