but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i will never coherently bang her
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
foreskin is a definite game changer
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
