I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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