So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
