Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
