i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
