I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
