I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
