She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
