Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
