Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
