Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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