ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
