jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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