Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
