my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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