why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
