Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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