I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
