Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
