my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
